Single Mom with Teenagers

 Single Mom with Teenagers – Advice on How to Avoid Becoming One and Tips if You Are!

By Renee leNobel

There have been memes regarding teenagers before the word “meme” existed. 

The one that I recall seeing on little plaques in bookstores and novelty shops: 

“Teenage grandkids are every grandparent’s secret revenge on their own teenagers.”

I don’t think my parents need revenge against me; I was a saint. So, it’s not karma that has turned me into a single mom to two teenage boys; it’s just how my life turned out. And while being a single parent was never my life’s aspiration, I wouldn’t have it any other way as I love my kids, and I know my co-parent, and I are happier apart. 

But I can help prevent people from succumbing to the same fate or reassure them that they are not alone. 

It is never easy to be a single parent, even if it’s a part-time single parent with a co-parent. Of course, it’s easier if you have a co-parent. I often console myself by reminding myself that at least my teenagers’ dad is working with me to provide consistent parenting to my teenagers, or the gruesome twosome, as I sometimes think of them. 

If you are contemplating separation and think you are better off being a 100% on-duty parent, consider it more. 

When I separated, I wanted primary custody of my kids. I knew I was a better parent (I was, as I had been the stay-at-home parent for the majority of their lives). I had a lot of practice in morning routines, bedtime routines, arranging playdates, meal preparation and all other required caregiving duties involved in raising children. I even learned to anticipate the arsenic hour (you know the arsenic hour – between 4 and 6 pm when your children turn into Frankenstein, a werewolf and demon rolled into one?). 

My co-parent was, frankly, useless regarding the typical caregiving duties. My kids would go off to his house and return to mine wearing each other’s clothes. “Uh, Ellis, did you notice you are wearing Rowan’s pants?” Ellis’s pants went to mid-shin. My co-parent promised to arrange our eldest’s birthday for two years before it happened. And when it did, it was because I wrestled it back from him and did it at my place. My seven-year-old had his sleepover when he was nine. My co-parent managed to feed my kids, but I know it consisted mainly of take-out. I’m pretty confident my children only bathed at my house for many years. I typically bought their clothes, arranged doctor’s and dentist’s appointments, and arranged everything related to school (including ensuring they got into a choice program in both elementary and high school). Sorry if you are reading this co-parent, but it’s true. You can argue that I wasn’t very good at making money – also true. Good thing I’m good at managing money! 

But, because my co-parent and I shared parenting, I had opportunities to learn how to make money, and my co-parent had opportunities to practice being a better caregiver. 

I also had breaks from parenting, which we all know is primarily unrewarding grunt work. Of course, parenting can also be extremely rewarding. My children’s sweet angelic faces may have carried me through the tough times (not during the arsenic hour), but once they hit teenagerhood, the rewarding moments seemingly take a hiatus. I’m told they come back when your children turn twenty-five, maybe thirty for boys. 

So, as my youngest ticked over the magic threshold into becoming a teenager, I thank my lucky stars every day that my co-parent and I have had enough time to learn how to be better co-parents together. My co-parent is still not quite at the same level as me in the caregiving roles. I’m still not quite at the same level as my co-parent at making money. (What they say is true about women taking a break from the workforce to raise children and the various reasons women earn less than men). But my co-parent and I are exponentially better at our new roles than if I had taken full custody of our kids. 

Teenagers are brutal. I am still spending many of my waking hours looking after their every need (it’s hard to break years of ingrained habits, and I’m required to feed them, right?), and they now spend their waking hours dodging me. When my children do deign to hang out with me, it’s usually to mock me or argue with me. I understand why they are like this. I know that teenagers are going through significant physiological changes – their brains are shedding, their hormones are raging, and they live in a stressful world where they spend a good chunk of their day at what they perceive as a jail. 

I know all this and understand- I empathize with my kids. 

But despite understanding and empathizing with my kids, sharing a space with two very unpleasant people for hours at a time and being one of me against two of them is very hard. Did I already say that? I can’t emphasize it enough. Two horrendous teenagers are being mean to me, and no one else in my home can commiserate with me or remind me that I’m not crazy. 

So, why am I telling you all this? 

A few reasons. 

• If you’re planning to have children, ask yourself if your planned co-parent is the partner with whom you want to raise children. And I know we all think they are, only to change our minds after the children are born. So, do some parenting courses together, and design a contract about who does what once the children arrive. Plan the logistics before you have kids instead of having to do it when you separate, and the conflict prevents you from creating a parenting plan. 

• If separating with kids, before deciding that your ex-spouse would make a useless parent and you had better take it all on, think again. I thought my co-parent would never be able to raise our kids as I could, and I was right. My co-parent has different strengths than me, and our kids have benefitted from our combined strengths, and we have both grown and improved in areas where we had weaknesses. (Caveat: if your spouse and future co-parent are abusive, you may have to be the sole caregiver. If you feel your spouse is abusing you or your children, please seek help for this first). 

• Try to separate when your kids are tweens and teenagers only if you and your spouse are on exactly the same parenting page and have mutually agreed that your family will be better off if you separate. Yes, it’s ok to separate when your children are teenagers if you are consciously uncoupling. But be aware that high-conflict separations are a disaster for teenage development. And last but not least: 

• Take care of yourself and take time for yourself and find some friends to support you when your children become teenagers. My current strategy is to leave the house – they love it, and I love it! Of course, I put house protection in place before leaving. I go outside, sometimes just for a bike ride or a walk. I call my other “mom” friends, who remind me that I’m not crazy. And if you haven’t found “mom” friends yet, don’t worry; they aren’t hard to find. You can often spot them taking solo walks around the neighbourhood, muttering to themselves or looking like they are walking off an argument. Smile at them, say a kind word, and you have likely just found your first “mom” friend. 

 

 

Beginnings and Endings

 by Tracy Theemes

No one really wants to be left alone, rejected or abandoned. And yet there is a certain inevitability of this happening to us. First of all, the reality is that all partnerships end. Whether through the dissolution of a relationship or death, our relationships are terminal. This reality is another of those “I just don’t want to think about it” truths. It is difficult enough to risk dependence and emotional exposure with someone -- but to grapple with a relationship ending as it begins, is terrifying. And yet. What would happen if we accepted this and negotiated our way through our endings at our beginnings? What if we acknowledged this vulnerability instead of fearing and avoiding it? 

As a financial advisor, the relational dynamics I am most interested in are in the domain of money. The time to lay our financial cards on the table is, counter-intuitively, AT the start of our relationships --when everyone is all moony-eyed, hormonally intoxicated and keen to please. When we are ensconced in a habitual pattern or in the midst of conflict we have the least chance of getting our needs met. The reality is that these conversations will happen. Days, months, even years go by and the conversations we should have about the relationship and about our future and financial lives together don’t get addressed. Then bang! She dies. Or he leaves. It ends. We are furious!! Terrified. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why now? And how dare they move out/ dump me/ die, when I have sacrificed the very essence of my being for relationship? So we are left to feel abandoned and angry and in a very poor position to advocate for our rights and needs, right when we need them recognized the most. 

So, let’s try a new way of thinking about and negotiating our partnerships. What would happen if we accepted that endings are a natural and inevitable part of life? My belief is that by having conversations and setting up our financially intertwined lives with the end in mind, we can potentially usher in a new kind of loving. One based on reality and mutual trust.

My experience in working with thousands of people in relational transitions is that “going with the flow” is not going to get you a life that optimizes your fullest potential or even increases your capacity for happiness. My hope is that romance can be aligned with honest communication. This to me, is the way to have our happy-ever-afters.

Tips and Pet Peeves in Collaborative Practice 

by Sonali Sharma (inspired by Collaborative Divorce Dinner Meeting presentation by Jon Lazar, Collaborative Divorce Lawyer)

A successful collaborative file requires commitment and trust. Commitment to the process (staying out of court) and trust (between the clients and between/amongst their professional team)Our membership group meets once a month to connect in-person. These meetings offer an opportunity to network as well as an opportunity to build better practice models through education and training by highly skilled collaborative practitioners.This month's meeting was led by Jon Lazar, a collaboratively trained lawyer and mediator. Jon brings over 25 years of experience as a lawyer. Here is a summary of some tips and pet peeves Jon shared with respect to the collaborative practice.Pet Peeve #1 - Use of Financial Statements (Form F8) A key foundation of signing a participation agreement and entering the collaborative process is that both the clients and the lawyers have agreed to be fully transparent. Financial transparency is the number one tenet of Family Law. A Form F8 is a legal court document that is a sworn statement containing information around income, assets/liabilities, and expenses. Typically used in litigation and often times filled out incorrectly, Form F8's are meant to tell a story or frame a position of an individual and not the household. While these Form F8's compile a lot of helpful information such as income, assets and liabilities (joint and solely owned), and expenses, they often times become the cause of miscommunication and errors and inconsistencies.Tip #1: Use Schedules, Checklists, Excel, Whiteboards, etc...Visual representations of finances and numbers can be powerful when presented properly. The use of excel and whiteboards in the four-way meetings is a great way to capture information in real time and to help everyone understand the numbers.Pet Peeve #2 : Being too Positional Often times in our unfettered loyalty to our clients (Lawyers I'm looking at you) we forget that we are there for the entire family in this transition of one to two homes. Often times fierce advocacy can cause disruption to the collaborative process. Remember that you are part of a team and thus advocating from a single position is not collaborating with your team.Tip #2: Pre-briefing and De-briefing with Professionals and ClientsWhile it may feel costly (depending on how many professionals are in the room), it is often a good practice to find ways to touch base before (pre-brief) and after (de-brief) with our clients and with the other professionals on the collaborative team. Ensuring that everyone's voice is heard and that everyone is one the same page is fundamental to the success of a collaborative file.Pet Peeve # 3: Not having an Agenda for the Four-Way meeting Having an agenda allows everyone to prepare in advance. It can also help ease client anxiety, manage expectations and create flow in meetings.Tip #3: Have an Agenda(See Pet Peeve #3 above)Pet Peeve #4 : Avoid Sending DivorceMate Calculations (Spousal/Child Support) too early to clients While it's important to provide clients with a wide range of outcomes, especially when it comes to spousal support (which is not always black and white; and as Jon noted ‘can be the hardest issue in family law’). Sending client's support numbers prematurely, without taking the time to explain where the numbers are coming from or making sure you have the correct input data, can be a recipe for disaster or create entrenched positions. Better to keep the initial client discussions on income and support a bit vague, and then work with your co-counsel to present a united front to the parties in their process.Tip #4: Communicate as a Team Lack of team communication in files where there are other professionals (mental health professional and financial professional) can make it difficult for clients to move forward. Often times clients are receiving information from multiple sources. It can be overwhelming and confusing. As a general rule, whenever there is complex legal info, it may be more effective if the lawyers discuss and present the information together to the clients. In complex family dynamic cases a full team meeting can be a cost effective way to help the family move forward.Pet Peeve #5: Not Signing a Participation Agreement The Participation Agreement is the constitution and foundation of a collaborative file. It establishes the rules of engagement and a commitment to staying out of court. An unsigned participation agreement means a lingering fear of litigation.Tip # 4: Use Divorce Coaches and use them often The process of divorce and separation is emotional. It requires difficult conversations and unpacking complex feelings. Divorce Coaches can help to navigate the emotional process involved in divorce and separation by ensuring that needs, concerns and feelings (including anger and fear) are both expressed and contained in a safe and respectful manner which can help towards settlement and ultimately helping the clients move towards a successful transition.Tip # 5: Use Financial Neutrals and use them often Ditto with the coaches. The process of divorce and separation is an economic adjustment too. It also requires difficult conversations about money, support, assets, etc.. Financial Neutrals can not only help gather, summarize, and analyze financial data, that can be instrumental in files with complex money issues.Tip #6: Try Working With Someone New Everyone gets comfortable and it's easy to work in the same, familiar teams, however if we want to promote the growth of collaborative practice, working with new professionals and expanding our membership is vital. Jon’s tip was that when you are asked for a few names to refer the other spouse to, add a person to that list you have not worked with before.

Assessing & Responding to Substance Use in Collaborative Practice

By Kelsey Antifaeff, Registered Clinical Social Worker & Registered Clinical Counsellor 

 

2022 is upon us and many committed to “Dry January”, which is an emerging tradition of taking a month-long break from alcohol in an effort to hit the reset button.  New Years resolutions are another popular avenue to reset substance use habits.  Regardless of the method, many Canadians are entering another year with COVID-19 and taking stock of how it has affected their substance use. 

 

At the beginning of the pandemic, mental health and substance use experts predicted that a “shadow pandemic” would accompany COVID-19 as the world struggled to cope with stress, anxiety, depression, and social isolation.  Emerging data over the last year confirmed that for many Canadians, the pandemic has led to increased substance use as a coping strategy.  

  

According to surveys collected by the Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction and the Mental Health Commission of Canada, respondents reported more mental health symptoms and increased substance use since March 2020.  Substance use concerns are greater among people who lives along; women in households with young children (< 13 years); people with a history of a substance use disorder; and people experiencing low-income or unemployed.   

 

As divorce practitioners, we know that substance use is often cited as a contributing factor to divorce.  Given this rise of substance use among Canadians throughout the pandemic, it is likely that we will see an increase amount of divorce cases involving substance use in 2022.  

 

What can we do as Collaborative divorce practitioners to better support families impacted by substance use?  Here are four ways a Collaborative team can begin addressing concerns related to substance abuse:

 

1. Ask about it. 

 

In the past, we may have assumed that if substance use was a factor in the separation, our client would tell us.  

 

Given the amount of stigma around substance use, many people do not feel comfortable raising the issue.  A proactive screening process with new clients allows practitioners to identify substance use during the intake process, which allows for a comprehensive approach for support to be established at the outset.  Integrate the following question into your initial meeting:

Was alcohol, substance use, or other addiction(s) a contributing factor to the separation or divorce?

 

2. Reduce stigma.

“We need to keep in mind that substance use disorders are a medical condition, deserving of care and treatment just like any other, and remain open-minded and not let our judgements or assumptions colour the way we think of someone.  Everyone has a story, and for people experiencing substance-related harms, we know that their’s often includes trauma.” (Public Health Agency of Canada, May 2021) 

 

Societal stigma about substance use is a significant barrier for clients; particularly when a parenting plan hangs in the balance.  

 

The best way to reduce stigma is to convey our intention to provide the best care to our client: 

 

It is important to know about substance use so that I can provide appropriate support and resources to you and your family; you deserve the best care throughout the divorce process.

 

3. Screen for Interpersonal Violence

 

Substance use is a significant risk factor for interpersonal violence.  Throughout COVID-19, rates of interpersonal violence has increased dramatically.

 

Given this context, it is even more imperative that divorce practitioners integrate violence screening protocols into every case assessment. 

 

SAFeR is an approach to decision-making in interpersonal violence-related family law matters, including a user-friendly screening tool for violence.  These screening questions are designed to integrate into your intake process and ensures that you are asking the right questions to assess for interpersonal violence. 

 

Legal Aid BC has fact sheets and a resource guide for family lawyers entitled “Is Your Client Safe?” and the federal government has created a course for family professionals entitled “Family Violence and Family Law for Legal Advisors” as part of its free webinar series highlighting recent amendments to the Divorce Act.  

 

4. Involve a Divorce Coach

 

For a client whom substance use is a contributing factor in the divorce, involving a Divorce Coach is invaluable.  As trained mental health professionals, Divorce Coaches understand the complexities of substance use disorders and treatment options.  Divorce Coaches also understand the impact on the individual and the family system, including children.  This specialized knowledge informs how we approach Parenting Plans that centre the needs of the child or children.  The addition of a neutral Child Specialist may also be helpful when substance use is an issue.  

 

Families impacted by substance use have often experienced trauma.  The divorce process may be experienced as an additional trauma for them.  Divorce Coaches provide skilled, trauma-informed support throughout the process.  Recommending the services of a Divorce Coach early in the divorce process means that the client will have adequate supports available to them from the outset.

 

Others on the Collaborative team can support the work of the mental health professionals by being informed of how to have a trauma-informed practice, referring to materials such as the Golden Eagle Rising Society’s “Trauma-Informed Legal Practice Toolkit,” the creation of which was led by lawyer Myrna McCallum. 

 

These are the initial steps of how Collaborative team members can get started working with families impacted by substance use. Once clients are in the process and substance use concerns have been identified, the mental health professionals, especially Divorce Coaches, can suggest specific ways to help families based on their unique concerns and needs.  The Collaborative Process is a client-centred option that allows for innovative, creative, flexible solutions that meet the needs of families impacted by substance use. 

 

 

***

 

Kelsey Antifaeff is a Registered Clinical Social Worker, Registered Clinical Counsellor & graduate of a Clinical Fellowship in Addictions with the BC Centre on Substance Use.  Supporting families impacted by substance use is one of her specialties in her work as a Divorce Coach and Child Specialist. 

Prepare, not predict

By Tracy Theemes, Financial Advisor, Financial Planner 

People have strong feelings in one direction or the other about cohabitation, marriage and relationship agreements (sometimes referred to as prenuptial agreements). I appreciate both points of view. I hear the contention that it is “preparing for the worst” and “expecting things to fail”. I also respect the other side of statistics and practicalities. When it comes to the financial side what I like best about any pre-partnership commitment is transparency. After decades of working as a financial advisor, I have seen that the biggest issue for most partnerships is a lack of honesty about money. People will discuss their views on parenthood, geographical preferences and sex needs until they are blue in the face while daintily skipping over their financial beliefs, behaviours and expectations. I cannot tell you the times I have heard someone tell me they would wait until after they were married to reveal their debt situation. Or their compulsive spending patterns. Or that they have set up a new will leaving everything to their children. They want to avoid these contentious discussions before the wedding. To me, this is the height of disrespect. 

We all know discussing money is tough. No matter how comfortable you are with your economic decisions, opening your books to show someone else what you “are worth” brings even the bravest communicator to their knees. But adults entering into such an important legal, financial and spiritual relationship must overcome this reluctance. Recently, my adult daughter was in the process of purchasing a condo with her partner. This signalled a whole new level of partnership. And I was adamant that they develop a shared list of understandings and promises, including what would happen to the condo in the event of a separation. “If you can’t talk about money and your expectations, you are not mature enough to make this commitment”. That may sound harsh. But it is my experience that secrets about money are tied to other relational issues. And they will always come back and do damage. My belief, borne of decades of experience is that open-hearted communication is the foundation of a solid, productive relationship. And these tough discussions about money, though challenging, can lead to greater intimacy and trust. 

Healthy relationships require shared understandings. Before my husband and I got married we invested a substantial amount of time in creating a personal, signed agreement that we called our “Sacred Promises”. This answered many of the legal questions my Collaborative lawyer colleagues expound upon. But most importantly it is a collection of our beliefs about what we were committing to with one another. We looked at everything from what really was infidelity to how we would handle a major illness to under what conditions we would break our promises. Given that we had both already been divorced we knew that promises get broken. We could not ignore that reality even with our love for each other. It was an illuminating dialogue, and often very surprising. Now that we have been married for almost five years I can say with certainty that we did not cover all the situations that we faced but we created an infrastructure of communication that has helped us weather the unexpected storms that have arisen. 

We cannot predict the future. But we can prepare for it by laying in the groundwork for positive outcomes. Cohabitation, marriage and relationship agreements address the best of all worlds by increasing the probability of success while allowing for changes in plans that do not have to lead to conflict and trauma. And if you can talk about money with candour and trust, you are already on your way to a long and happy relationship.